The Creativity of Grief
Grief comes in many forms. Whether it is the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or the death of a loved one, everyone at some point in their life will experience this life altering, pain in the ass, distress known as grief. Grief varies from person to person, and although there are 5 common stages of grief, several others exist as well. Here are the common stages of grief, according to Web MD; Stage One: Denial - When you first learn of a loss, it’s normal to think, “This isn’t happening.” You may feel shocked or numb. This is a temporary way to deal with the rush of overwhelming emotion. It’s a defense mechanism. Stage Two: Anger - As reality sets in, you’re faced with the pain of your loss. You may feel frustrated and helpless. These feelings later turn into anger. You might direct it toward other people, a higher power, or life in general. To be angry with a loved one who died and left you alone is natural, too. Stage Three: Bargaining - During this stage, you dwell on what you could’ve done to prevent the loss. Common thoughts are “If only…” and “What if…” You may also try to strike a deal with a higher power. Stage Four: Depression - Sadness sets in as you begin to understand the loss and its effect on your life. Signs of depression include crying, sleep issues, and a decreased appetite. You may feel overwhelmed, regretful, and lonely. Stage Five: Acceptance - In this final stage of grief, you accept the reality of your loss. It can’t be changed. Although you still feel sad, you’re able to start moving forward with your life.
It has been a year and a half since my dad left this earth. I have been through these stages multiple times, and continue to go through them. Yes, I have accepted that he is gone, but that will never take away the pain, anger, sadness, hopelessness, and many other emotions, that I still feel from time to time. Sometimes it still doesn’t even seem real or possible that he is gone, and I honestly don’t know if that ever goes away either. I can still close my eyes and remember that entire night. I sometimes replay it in my head over and over before I fall asleep. I don’t choose to nor do I want to, but my brain has other plans. I know that night an entire piece of who I was, was ripped from me. I know that I have been forever changed by his death. It is hard to live without him, but my family is what keeps me going. I live for them and for the part of me that wants to continue to make my Daddy proud.
Clearly, we grieve the person we lost and we miss them terribly. What many do not understand, is that is merely one part of grief. Missing them is only one part of it. We grieve the life we had with them and all that we shared. We grieve all of the memories we made, that we will never make again. We grieve all of the important things that they have missed, and will continue to miss. We grieve the future we were supposed to have together. We grieve the holidays missed. We grieve the arguments that we had because that means that they were still here to argue with us. We grieve the vacations we took with them that we are afraid to take again. We grieve all of the love that aches in our heart that we cannot give to them anymore. Grief fucking sucks! Grieving is by far one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. We are afraid to go on living because it is not fair that they aren’t living their life anymore. We are afraid to be happy or laugh because that means we forgot to be sad. We are afraid to eat their favorite food because they don’t get to eat it anymore. We are afraid to stop feeling and stop grieving because the thought of not thinking of them for one day makes you fucking sick to your stomach. The harsh reality of it is, we must continue to live. We must laugh. We must make new memories. We must stop thinking of the grief long enough to be happy. We must eat their favorite foods. We must go on vacations to places they loved. This is what we MUST do, because that is what they would want us to do and that is what is good for us. It does not mean that we have forgotten them, it means that we are living in their memory. “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” – Mitch Album. This is the most comforting quote I have read since my dad passed. With every cardinal that hangs out in the tree in the front yard chirping for what seems like hours, every Billy Squier song that plays on the radio at the exact moment I am thinking of my father or need his advice, every time the Alexa goes off on it’s own very creepily or the music on my I-Phone skips and I need to restart my phone, or magically seeing synchronized numbers while looking at the clock when I am searching for answers or am feeling sad, I know that is my Daddy and that he is still here with me and his soul continues to live on.
With grief comes healing, and I must admit that healing is fucking weird. Some days you are okay and you are doing fine, and other days you are so overwhelmed by the hole in your heart that you feel like you could scream and cry at the same time. It is a process with no definitive time frame. “Sometimes healing looks a lot like sitting still, lying down, not speaking, not moving, and not being able to process anything other than the weight of the universe pressing into your chest.”- Topher Kearby. Everyone heals differently and in their own way. Healing does not mean that the damage never existed, it means that you don’t let it control your life anymore. Like I said before, there is no timeframe for grief, and that goes double for healing. I think it is impossible to completely heal from the loss of a loved one. You carry the grief with you forever. You learn to live with it and how to go on living with such a huge piece of you missing. “You do not drown by falling into the water, you drown if you stay there.” -Zig Ziglar. I created this blog because I use writing as a form of healing. The title says it all, “The Creativity of Grief.” You have to get creative with healing and maybe pick up a new hobby. Take your mind off of the grief and dive into something that makes you forget to be sad. Like The Beatles say, “Take a sad song, and make it better,” you can use grief and healing as tools to make your life better. There are many things you can do to help you cope with grief. Here are a few ideas that I recommend.
1. Meditation is so beneficial, even just taking time out of each day to be alone and practice deep breathing.
2. Yoga – Yoga has helped me tremendously. It is so relaxing and helps you set healthy and happy intentions.
3. Music – Music is a big part of my life. Music is the best medicine and can help you get through anything.
4. Cook – Some people love to cook and find it medicinal. Maybe learn some new recipes and cook for your loved ones.
5. Go on a walk
6. Color or paint
7. Journaling – This is great especially if you have an overactive mind. Get all of your thoughts out onto paper.
8. Photography or scrapbooking
These are all creative outlets that can help to heal your mind, body and soul. Finding a creative outlet can help you find the beauty in everyday living. You have to keep going and know that when all is said and done, you’re going to be okay.
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” -Jamie Anderson
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